Hair is Gone

I probably should not have said anything about my hair, in my last post, because it started falling out the very next day and continued falling out in clumps.  Anyone who has delivered a baby can relate.  When you are 3-6 months post partum it feels like you might go bald with all the hair loss--this was that, but a hundred times worse and I really did go bald ;).

I didn't know what to expect even though my doctors and their nurses tried to tell me.  It is one of those things you can't really understand until you go through it yourself.  I did not think losing my hair would be a big deal, but it was.  I was an emotional wreck during the days leading up to the shaving of my head.  I cried.  I cried hard.  I grieved my hair.  It might sound dramatic, but I grieved the gigantic clumps of my hair that fell out.

I think I felt so emotional about it all because it is another indication that I have brain cancer.  Besides the relatively easy surgery and recovery all I have to remind me of the tumor in my brain are the seizures and hair loss.  I do not enjoy my daily trips to radiation, but they are pretty harmless and not painful in the slightest.  Losing my hair was painful.  It literally hurt my head until it came out (think of a really sunburned scalp) and emotionally hurt my heart.  A piece of me was falling out.  It is really weird to look at a head and see 1/3 of it bald and realize it is MY head.

I really have a whole new awareness and sympathy towards women with breast cancer.

By the time Jess and I went wig shopping on Wednesday, I was ready to let all of my hair go.  Wig shopping was fun!  In a couple of seconds I went from 1/3 of my hair missing to long luxurious locks that will take 10 years to grow on my own :).  I ended up with 3 really fun wigs!

The best part of the wigs is I only have to bring them into the wig shop every 6 weeks for a shampoo.  Now that, my friends, is a girl's dream come true!!  No hair washing?!  YES!

Thursday was it...head shaving day.  Matt and the boys decided to shave their heads with me.  Seth and Trent were excited to do it, Wade took a little bit of persuasion ($10 bucks from Matt, under the table, that I had no clue about.)  I did not want to risk a hair color change from my Rylee girl so she stayed at the length she is at :).  Casey bugs is already a baldy so no need to do anything more to him!

Head shaving day was anticipated and I was ready to go.  Matt did the honors and it went well.

I am still not used to the way I look bald.  It is strange to look at myself in the mirror.  I do know there is no way I could have left my longer hair and grow back the bald part--I have lost too much from radiation.  I would have had to even it out at some point and cut my long hair REALLY short anyway.

I was really worried I might scare my kids when they saw me bald, but they have not been too affected.  Case still gets the same gummy grin every time he looks at me, and the rest of them look at me the same too.  Seth told me he "is worried that people will make fun of me."  Bless his little heart, I told him "no one will make fun of mommy because they know I shaved my head because I am sick."  He seemed satisfied with that response.  I love the innocence of a child.  While I'm afraid I'm going to scare him, he only cares that others are nice to me.

So, I'm adjusting.  One thing that never changes is...life goes on.  With or without you and your trials, it will still go on for others.  It is a curse and a blessing all in one.  Time heals everything.  It has been 5 days since my hair has been gone and I feel like I have never had hair.  It could be a lot worse--a phrase I am becoming very familiar with.

I love my family and friends.  I love the ward and neighborhood I live in.  I am very thankful for my doctor's.  I am thankful to have brain cancer right now--a time when they make great advances everyday.  Mostly, I am grateful for my Father in Heaven who knows me and carries me through each day, prompts others to be there for me when I need it and wants me to be happy.  I am happy.