Latest MRI

The MRI results are in and I am reporting "no change" again.  This has been a long process in which I have evolved a great deal as a person both inside and out.  I have written about my new perspective enough where it is pretty clear where I stand on that subject, but the MRI's have taken me a LONG time to grasp.

I don't know what I wanted when I was told my MRI results…well, actually that isn't true.  I wanted to get brain surgery, get radiation, take the chemo and go into each MRI and have them tell me the remaining tumor is shrinking more and more as time went on.  What is wrong with that?  It doesn't work that way.

I think it has taken me a long time to grasp my MRI results for 2 reasons: 1.  I don't like the results.  2.  It means I have to accept there is no cure for my disease.

How can there be no cure?  How can I have brain cancer?  It still feels so unreal.  This is not me, this is a dream, I will wake up and be fine.

My last MRI was at the end of March and I saw my neuro oncologist and my radiation oncologist (he's my 26+ years to live guy) and both said they were thrilled with the results of my MRI.  My radiation oncologist said he was "ecstatic" with the results.  Really?  Why?

Why?  Because people with my disease die within months of their diagnosis.  The best recorded prognosis any doctor can give me with complete confidence is 3-5 years.  3-5 years still sends chills down my spine.

My doctors are "ecstatic" with my MRI results because I am living a normal life.  Not only am I living a normal life, I am running half marathons, raising money for myself and other people with cancer so research can be done and cures can be found, vacationing with my family, making plans for the future and being me.  THAT is news that would make anyone ecstatic.

I can "say" all of this which means I "know" it, but NOW I have to work on BELIEVING it.  I'm as stubborn as they come and love to be right :), but I also love to prove others WRONG even more than being right initially :).  I'm coming around and will start with small goals.  I have to get over that this cancer is going to go away.  My focus will have to be on hoping the cancer does not grow back at least until there is a cure.

Hawaii

The only thing I can think of when I hear the word "Hawaii" is paradise.  We were very blessed by one of my oldest and dearest friends, Jeni, with a week stay at an amazing condo in Kauai, Hawaii!  It was an incredible vacation!  The Ropers and the Bryners whisked away to an Island paradise.

I knew I wanted to do things I have never done before on this trip so I was ready to try it all and many adventures were had!!  We started by hiking near our resort and saw many gigantic sea turtles and sea lion.

The whales and dolphins were also rampant which was seriously amazing!

The kids wanted to spend as much time as they could at the beach so we did.  The beaches on Kauai are amazing…some are perfect for boogie boarding while others are good for surfing, still others are good for snorkeling, etc.  We boogie boarded,

body surfed, snorkeled and I surfed…yes, SURFED on the best beaches in the world!

I knew I wanted to surf and talked about it leading up to the trip.  I signed up for a lesson, met Ziggy (yes, his name was Ziggy), learned the basics and paddled out into the waves.  Ziggy helped me to know when to turn around and get ready to go, but I was the one who stood up and rode the waves ;).  I got up 3 times and surfed to shore!!  The beach is a "surfing" beach because the waves are pretty close to shore and you can surf right onto the sand.  Jess watched me the whole time like a proud mama…she took at least 100 pictures…I loved it!

Surfing is super hard, but so fun!  Standing up is such a wonderful feeling…like no other I can explain.  My poor body took a beating, but I wore my black and blue bruises up and down my legs, bruised ribs, sore muscles and shaky arms like badges of honor :).  I felt on top of the world!  I surfed and it was hard, but I can do hard things and it was SO worth it!

We did so much more, but the highlights of the trip were the helicopter ride Matt took me on of the Na Pali Coast,

our adventurous canoe ride/hike/rain storm to the secret water falls and back,

drive to the north side of the island, luau where Wade caught the fire dancer's head dress,

Spouting Horn,

endless beach days

and priceless family memories.  It was paradise and so much more!