My Heart

I decided to title my post accordingly because my heart has given this brain of mine a rest while working in overdrive the past several weeks (and Valentines Day is quickly approaching.)  I have little to report concerning the cancer in my brain.  I had a MRI mid January that caused some heart ache, well more like, heart confusion that led to heart ache.

The MRI department has yet to figure out their record keeping and to make matters worse, there are now THREE Jennifer Roper's.  UGH!  The staff says all the right things: "I understand how frustrating this must be" and "want to straighten it out very much" blah, blah, blah.  I believe they care, but there is NO WAY they get how important these MRI's are to me.

Each time I get a MRI, they have created a new patient number for me in order to keep me separate from the other Jen's.  Seems like a great idea?  It's not.  When my oncologist tries to pull up my old scans to compare with my new scans, she can't because they have another patient number on them and there is this little law known as HIPAA.  My last appointment went as follows:

"Okay, look at this scan" (MRI of my tumor 2 months ago)

"Okay, let me close out this one and remember what it looks like."  Okay, hang on, what was your number, okay here it is, okay so here's today's scan.  Well it's kind of hard to compare these."

 (it's like trying to compare eyebrow hairs--I'm not kidding)

The scans look the same...actually, the new one looked bigger.

"Does the new scan look bigger?"  I asked my doctor.

"No, well, I don't think so, I mean not really, the radiologists will look and compare the two and measure them and I'll call you if there has been any growth."

"Well what do you think?" I asked.

 "I don't think it has grown."

Wow...I feel comforted.  She'll call me if there has been any growth???  I didn't even fathom that would be in the realm of possibility at this point!!!  It better not grow!  The thing just got cut out 4 months ago for crying out loud!

When I left my first appointment, my tumor had shrunk...or so we thought.  Now it might have grown?  Fortunately, I did not receive a phone call from anyone so, I guess, its safe to assume the tumor has not grown.  

It took me a few days to shake off the appointment just in time to see the movie "The Impossible."  Big mistake.  I'm still traumatized.  If you haven't seen the movie and are planning to, skip over the next paragraph.  

A family of 5 (3 boys) is on a vacation in Thailand.  There is a Tsunami.  The family is split up--oldest boy with the mom, 2 youngest with dad.  Through immense trial and tribulation the family is reunited at the end.  During the movie, the mom is the worst off.  She almost dies several times.  The family is tested in ways beyond one's worst imagination.

All the mom wants to do is live for her family.  I have 3 boys the exact ages of the boys in the movie, I am essentially dying and all I want to do is live for my family which is something that many take for granted all of the time.  I didn't, couldn't, sleep for days after seeing that movie.  It was too much like my life.  I kept seeing that lady fighting for her life.  Oh, I forgot to mention it is based on a true story.

Now that I can sleep again, my biggest heart ache of the past few weeks happened just a few days ago...the first of my "cancer friends" passed away.  I'm heart broken.  I barley knew Trisha.  She was the cousin of one of my high school friends and we only exchanged a few Facebook messages, but she was my friend.  She had brain cancer.  She lived in Utah.  She was 34 and now she's gone.

I think of her often during my days and feel an empty feeling.  How do you mourn someone you didn't know?  I'm mourning someone that died from the very disease I'm suffering from.  I'm mourning the idea that might be me someday. I'm trying not to, but it is really hard.  When I read her obituary, her Facebook page or think about her family it is so overwhelmingly hard to breathe.  I cry.  I sob.  I want to scream.

Valentines Day is the Holiday reserved for hearts.  My heart has been aching, but I know where to go and Who to talk to when I am down.  Our Heavenly Father has been taking special care of me these past few weeks.  

The day Trisha died was exceptionally hard for me and I found myself thinking, "How could Heavenly Father worry about me today?  He has to be there for Trisha's family and everyone else in the world with bigger problems than mine."  I pulled into my neighborhood and got the mail.  Inside was a note from a lady in my old ward that said "Just thinking about you today.  Hoping you feel the love our Heavenly Father has for you."  Coincidence?  You might think so, I do not.  I got another note that day that was also simple, heart warming and straight from our Heavenly Father.  A mini-miracle to help me...little old me, one of billions...to remind me He knows who I am and knows when I'm hurting.

He is there for you ALWAYS.  The second my faith started wavering, I was pulled right back to where I needed to be.  I still feel the prayers and love from so many of you out there.  You can't imagine how comforting it feels when I'm told that prayers are being said on my behalf.  I love them all, but my favorites are from the primary kids.  

I was in the Primary Presidency until I was diagnosed and still have mom's tell me their little and big kids include me in their family/meal/personal prayers all the time.  That's got to be worth some extra points, right? ;)  The ache in my heart is being replaced with gratitude and love and that could not be possible without Him...for this I know to be true with ALL of my heart.