I don't know what I wanted when I was told my MRI results…well, actually that isn't true. I wanted to get brain surgery, get radiation, take the chemo and go into each MRI and have them tell me the remaining tumor is shrinking more and more as time went on. What is wrong with that? It doesn't work that way.
I think it has taken me a long time to grasp my MRI results for 2 reasons: 1. I don't like the results. 2. It means I have to accept there is no cure for my disease.
How can there be no cure? How can I have brain cancer? It still feels so unreal. This is not me, this is a dream, I will wake up and be fine.
My last MRI was at the end of March and I saw my neuro oncologist and my radiation oncologist (he's my 26+ years to live guy) and both said they were thrilled with the results of my MRI. My radiation oncologist said he was "ecstatic" with the results. Really? Why?
Why? Because people with my disease die within months of their diagnosis. The best recorded prognosis any doctor can give me with complete confidence is 3-5 years. 3-5 years still sends chills down my spine.
My doctors are "ecstatic" with my MRI results because I am living a normal life. Not only am I living a normal life, I am running half marathons, raising money for myself and other people with cancer so research can be done and cures can be found, vacationing with my family, making plans for the future and being me. THAT is news that would make anyone ecstatic.
I can "say" all of this which means I "know" it, but NOW I have to work on BELIEVING it. I'm as stubborn as they come and love to be right :), but I also love to prove others WRONG even more than being right initially :). I'm coming around and will start with small goals. I have to get over that this cancer is going to go away. My focus will have to be on hoping the cancer does not grow back at least until there is a cure.
1 comment:
Oh Jen. I feel you 100%. It's going to be hard living the rest of our lives MRI to MRI, knowing that any one could tell us the bad news again. You've had consistent MRI's and that is wonderful. Me too. We are beating this thing. I don't think about the 3-5 years anymore. I imagine it as 30-50 now. I'm not dying anymore and you aren't either. You are almost done with chemo. You will make it through. 2 days until our story airs. We are survivors! Love ya!
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