I've been talking a lot about the fundraisers I've been participating in and it is truly fitting since May is "National Brain Tumor Awareness" month. The more people aware, the better. In every fundraiser I have been to, they always "honor the survivor." In theory it sounds like a wonderful opportunity to honor those who have survived cancer. In my reality, it was--for lack of better words--one of the saddest things I have ever done.
The first (and last time--at least for a while) I would participate in this, I was asked, along with the other brain cancer survivors, to come to the front and stand while the entire audience stood and clapped in our honor. The first 30 seconds were fine and after a minute, I could not hold it together anymore. I started to cry. I cried so hard, it was embarrassing. I wanted to run and hide and I was trapped in front of hundreds of people clapping that I was alive. Clapping because I was alive.
I guess there's a part of me that hasn't fully grasped what is really going on with me (maybe in order to get through the last 9 months?) In my opinion, a person needs to grieve a tragedy in a reasonable amount of time according to its severity and that is what I am doing. I am grieving the "loss" of my old life. I am grieving the possibility of losing my life and everything that goes a long with it. 9 months is not long enough. Not for me.
I get the idea of honoring a survivor, but I picture a "survivor" much older than me…at least 20 years older than me. The plan is for me to be that "53 year old survivor" (at least) and I won't go down without a fight ;).
2 comments:
Jen, my heart is so heavy as I read your posts. I am amazed by your spirit, amazed by your optimism, and amazed by your ability to fight! I know that you are being tried in a way not many of us can understand, but I also know that you are someone I know can do it, you can bring to reality for me that Heavenly Father is in charge, and that miracles happen, that cancers that have no cure, can be cured. You are a miracle, you are doing it, and you give me the hope I need to keep raising money and fight this disease that has cost so many, so much! Thank you for helping me to remember to live my life to the fullest and value the simple things in life. I love you, thank you for being you!
No you won't go down without a fight!!! You have so much left to do and accomplish that there is no other option! Think of all you have done for brain cancer awareness in this short time... simply amazing. You will one day be the 80 year old survivor that they honor. I love you so much Rass and think the world of you! xoxo!
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