My family and I decided to release balloons each year on my birthday. One balloon per family member, per year. This year I am one (I guess there are some perks to getting cancer!) Next year each family member will have 2 balloons and since I plan to live a long time, that sky is going to be covered before we know it (Matt and I might have to rethink it then!) Before we released the balloons each member of my family made a wish for me:
Wade: "I hope that the medicine will work and mom will live until she is elderly and die because of that and not because of cancer."
Seth: "I wish that the medicine will work and mom will feel better."
Trent: "I wish that mom will feel better and Taylor (our nanny) can work more days at the Sno Shack."
Rylee: "I wish those kids need to stop laughing." [mean brothers!!]
Matt: "I wish for a cure for cancer."
...and then we let those wishes fly.
The next day I had a MRI and the results came back fantastic! My neuro-oncologist says the tumor is still showing no growth at all and even little shrinkage which is completely unexpected and wonderful. It is the greatest news we could get! Everything is going so well so why do my eyes well up with tears when I type these words?
Everything is going so well, BUT I have cancer. I've said it before...the first year is the worst year of anything. I'll never forget August 11th or August 12, 2012. How could I? The details of those days are cemented into my mind. I've made it through the first year--brain surgery, radiation, most of chemo therapy--the rest should be a walk in the park, right? I don't mind standing up, brushing myself off and fixing a problem when I have nowhere to go but up, but cancer doesn't have an up. Just a "plateau for awhile" until you go back down. I think that is why I tear up every time I think, write or talk about my cancer.
My prayers have changed a lot this past year. I have always been thankful for what I have, but didn't realize what I had until it was gone and now it is gone...kind of. I am still here, in a sicker version of myself, but mostly normal, with this prognosis hanging over my head, like a dark cloud, all of the time. I keep trying to be okay with whatever is supposed to happen, but how can you be okay with leaving this Earth when your baby is 5 years old? I spend a lot of my prayers asking my Heavenly Father to help me to be okay with His plan. As painful and hard as it may seem, I do believe it will be what is best for my family. It's hard though.
I'm a pretty black or white person. I don't do grey area--which is not a good thing and is something I need to change. Here is where my faith comes bounding in...it will all work out...it has to. My incredible, talented, amazing, neuro-surgeon looked me in the eye and told me I have 3-5 years to live and I cannot forget that, but I cannot believe that either. I have to take that information and combine it with everything else I have to make a stronger, better me. Use my new perspective to make the most of every moment I have with my children and husband on this Earth because it can change very quickly.
I still cry in every prayer to my Heavenly Father. I thought that would stop or slow down by now, but it hasn't. I'm still very vulnerable and raw, just a girl trying to grab onto something to feel some sort of control. Which, actually, I have started to feel a little of. It's nice to know that I have a brain tumor. Supposedly it has been growing for 7 or more years before I had the first seizure. I like to know I'm doing something to fix a problem and we are definitely doing something ;). I have grown and changed so much as a person and that is a huge blessing as well.
Life is hard. It isn't meant to be easy, but the love and support I continue to receive is incredible. I am very blessed and thankful for it.
5 comments:
Jen... this is so heartbreaking. I'm in tears reading this. Everything you write here is so thoughtful and so wise. It's brilliant news that your tumor is shrinking... but yet, as you said, it's still so troubling-- the whole thing. I do hope you know I pray for you all the time-- you are an inspiration in every way. But I also just feel very sad that you are going through this. I love you and pray that you continue to feel the peace and love of God... as you said, He is a miracle worker and I believe that with all my heart. I believe miracles will happen in your life. Love you!
I really, really hope that you continue to heal. xoxo from miami
Jen, I love you, and I HATE cancer! I am with Matt, I vote for a cure. Always remember Doctors aren't in charge, Heavenly Father is in charge. I can only accept a Miracle for you, you can be healed, I know you can. I know no one with the strength, fight, and determination that you have. Heavenly Father trusts you to beat this and so do I. You will, I believe it, I will continue to believe and pray for you to be a Miracle that others will get to witness. You are amazing, i am grateful to be your friend and thankful for your attitude and desire to keep going strong. You bring hope!!!!
Jen…just wanted you to know that I continue to think about you and keep you in my prayers. I know you don't have any choice but to go through this but you are so inspirational in how you fight this battle. Miracles do happen and you have to always hold onto that hope. It is so wonderful to read that your tumor as shrunk a little and we will just keep praying for more shrinkage!! The first year after a cancer diagnosis IS so raw. I remember feeling extremely anxious when the anniversary of when I was diagnosed came around because I knew it would bring up all those memories so clearly of when I was diagnosed. It felt like I was reliving those days and I didn't want to feel those feelings again. You are also still going through treatment which makes it tough. What a beautiful way to celebrate your birthday though. Just loved the picture of the balloons! Big hugs and keep fighting hard. xoxo ~ Anna
I hope you are able to see your bravery. You are an inspiration to all who read this/have met you. You are beautiful and you can do this!
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