Scared

Summer is finally here!  School is out, there are no schedules, no practices to attend, nothing really to do other than swelter in the Phoenix heat :).  This is the part of the year where I usually take advantage of our non-scheduled life and schedule it up with vacations, activities and fun.  Instead of feeling excited, though, I find myself feeling an immense amount of anxiety for the summer.

The memories of last summer came flooding back as I was preparing the "end of year" teacher gifts.  I can remember so many details of last summer, it feels like only yesterday.  I remember what we did, how I felt, what I wore, what my kids wore, what we did on this day, what we did on that day, what we ate, where we ate.  Last summer flew by and it ended with the worst possible news I could ever imagine.

I am, surprisingly, still very raw and unsettled from the news of my diagnosis.  You would think after a year it would have sunk in a little more, but I think of the doctor coming into my hospital room and telling me I have a brain tumor and tears immediately stream down my face.  I think of screaming and looking over Matt.  I think of holding onto to him.  I think of calling Jess and crying and saying "no, no, no" over and over again with her.  I remember like it was yesterday.  I am surprised at how much it still emotionally affects me today.

I know with any tragedy, time makes it better and a year certainly isn't long enough to make much of a difference.  The first year is a tester.  You get to try everything out the first time with your circumstance.  With my mom, it was obviously going through everything without her being there and each time it was easier not have her there.  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way with cancer.

Time is a double edged sword.  I want to time to raise my children.  I want time to give doctors and scientists a chance to create a cure for cancer or another drug that will slow the tumor growth even more.  The other edge of the sword is, I am told, with time my tumor will grow back and eventually become uncontrollable.  It is hard to imagine or even comprehend this happening to me, BUT we have a lot of faith and will keep hoping that it won't be anytime soon.  For now the worst is definitely behind me.

Each month when I'm on my chemo I feel sick for about 5 days and I'm all around sick--physically and mentally.  Chemo is strong stuff.  It definitely reminds me I have cancer.  The rest of the month I am building back to my normal self and by the time I'm about to take chemo again, I hardly know I have cancer UNTIL I am harshly reminded.  I just finished chemo which may have triggered the need for this blog entry.

Next summer I want to read this post and wonder how on Earth I could have been scared to start summer break :).