Prayers. Work.

I had my first post-radiation MRI last Thursday.  Following my surgery and during my radiation I dreaded this scan.  I kept thinking, "what if this is all for nothing.  What if my tumor is the same or, worse, has already started to grow?"  During one of my weekly visits with my radiation oncologist I asked him what I should expect from this scan and he told me "nothing."

My doctors expected to see "no change" in my first post-radiation scan.  It took a lot of the edge off my worry and as Matt, Jess (my posse) and I drove downtown for the scan I wasn't nervous.  Jess asked me if I was worried and I told her I wasn't because I knew what to expect..."no change."

We got there on time and I was escorted back by a nice radiation tech who told me he was really good at sticking people with needles for the, ever-so-dreaded, contrast.  UGH...wonder when I'll get used to contrast?!

This MRI resembled some of my first MRI's--very easy and, actually, nice because the uninterrupted time of rest was welcomed.  A little glimmer of what my life used to be flashed behind my closed eyes... a tired mommy whose life revolved around her babies and their activities while I tried to fit in a daily workout and dinner prep and weekly grocery shopping and dates with Matt.  Ahhhh, the good ole days :).

The 35 minute scan whizzed by and the guy did a really great job with contrast.  We rushed from the scan to my appointment with my radiation oncologist.  He was in the middle of a gamma knife procedure and fit us in.  In so many words he said the scans were status quo and exactly what he expected.  I asked him if I could have possibly gotten any better news from him and he hesitated a minute (claiming he was "thinking" of anything better he could imagine) and replied, "no, results could not have been better."

The three of us left a little beaten down.  Jess and Matt asked me if I was sad.  I said, "Yes, I'm sad.  What I have is really bad and if that is the best thing he has to say to me than I am sad."

Conversation switched back to clinical trials and anything else I can possibly do to fight against my odds.  I will NOT be a statistic.  What mostly made me sad about what dr. #1 said is he is my sunshine dr.  He is my 26 + years guy!  Why was he so blah, blah, blah?  The answer: he is a human being.  He has good days and bad days just like you and I.  He was in the middle of a serious procedure and was probably distracted. I'm learning not to take any of this stuff personally.

I have an incredible team, but they see many patients a day and have to be strong for all of us, I have to let it go.  He didn't even say anything was bad, it went as expected, but I am in search of a miracle.  I want a miracle.  I didn't have to wait very long for my miracle.

Next appt was with my neuro oncologist.  She welcomed us in and pulled up my scans.  My neuro is brilliant but not as kind as my other dr's.  She is nice to me and my family, but a little harsh with her staff.  She can most definitely hold her own.

As soon as my scans pulled up on her screen she started cheering--imagine Oscar the Grouch doing the happy dance and you'll get the picture.  We were shocked to say the least.  Stunned, even.  She said, "Come on you guys...this is GREAT news!"  She went on to compare my scan post-op to this one and there was significant change!  Not only was there change, but A LOT of it.  The part of the tumor that was left had shrunk!  Many of the cancer cells were gone.

To be completely honest, I'm still in shock.  Part of me wants to do my own happy dance and start my post-cancer life (not sure what that will be?) and then another part wants to protect myself from another fall.  My world was devastated when I lost my mom almost 17 years ago and trust becomes an issue when you are rocked like that, especially when you're rocked again in a magnitude like this.

It really is too soon to be celebrating anything big.  This is one step in my journey, but it is a BIG step in the RIGHT direction.  I cannot even imagine how I would have felt if the tumor had grown.  Talk about devastation!

This is how I work....I get good news and have to mull it over a little bit.  I was excited, but I feel MORE excited today and will continue to feel better from here.  My strength is coming back everyday and I cannot wait to RUN, exercise and grocery shop again.  It is so close I can almost taste it.

Prayers. Work.  Thank you.  Our Heavenly Father heard our prayers and answered them.  They told me to expect no change and there was.  They told me I have 3-5 years to live and there is NO WAY that will happen.  NO WAY!