Human Nature

Human nature is a funny thing.  It's something that you are born with and have little control over.  I often find myself hiding a smile when I use reverse psychology on my kiddos to get them to do anything they usually wouldn't (for example eat the rest of their dinner, clean up the toys, etc) by "allowing" one of their siblings to do the dreaded activity instead.  To put it simply...we want what we cannot have.

A week ago, I was told I was going to be paralyzed on the left side of my body and in a wheel chair for the rest of my life.  A week ago, I was told I might die therefore leaving all of my babies behind.  Both of these things are horrifying--especially for someone who is only 33 years old.  As you can imagine I have felt pretty much every emotion--in every way-- you can feel this week.  And I think I have reached a point where my mind has taken a break.  I'm all "emotioned" out--maybe even a little numb.

As I ponder my situation during my "break", I am left feeling the most curious about human nature.  When I was told I might not be here to raise my babies, I immediately made a secret vow to spend every waking second with my children from here on out enjoying them, loving them and soaking it all up...well there is one small problem with this...my kiddos are WAY to little to get what is going on with me so they are still SUPER naughty ;)!!!  They did not get the memo that mom is sick and they are supposed to be perfect angels from now on!!  To put it bluntly--church was HORRIBLE today!

My kids could care less that this might be our last Sunday together at church in who knows how long and proceeded to scream, fight, cry, whine, go to the bathroom every 5 minutes, walk around like they owned the place, acted like they do every other Sunday today.  They also continued this behavior at home too!  Tumor or no tumor--it is REALLY HARD to be loving and patient with 5 naughty little monkey's!

Another example is running...I LOVE to run...MOST of the time.  I would actually venture to say I have a love/hate relationship with running.  I LOVE the results, endorphins and traveling to races with my friends that running brings to my life.  I HATE waking up early to run outside and the inevitable injuries and how I cannot break 4 hours in a marathon race part of running.  When the neurosurgeon told me I might not be able to run again, I was honestly devastated, BUT I wonder how much of this was human nature?  How much of my devastation came from him telling me I couldn't do it made me want it that much more?

I don't do limbo well.  The way my mom passed away was the best way, in my opinion.  She died suddenly, without warning or sickness.  It was much easier to cope with something so absolute.  My family and I were able to pick up the pieces and deal with our situation because there was not any wondering, waiting or hoping--she was gone and we had to deal with it.  Cancer is much more gray and messy.  Lots and lots of unknown.

I have known I've had a tumor for a week--it has been there for years, but I have only known for a week and I feel like I found out this news 10 years ago.  To say it has been a long week is a huge understatement.  On the other hand, we have been living moment to moment from the second we found out.  From appointment, to phone call, to speaking with this doctor, to taking this prescription.  It is not a comfortable way of living and I'm anxious to leave it behind quickly.

Barrow called on Friday and my MRI mapping appointment is on Wednesday.  I'm SO excited!  Can I say that?!  I'm just excited to keep the ball rolling and get this surgery over with so I know what I'm dealing with.  Fingers crossed for a surgery date early next week.  I will keep you posted.  In the meantime, please keep the prayers coming.  I'm not lying when I say I need them and I FEEL them.  The goal for this week is to act as "normal" as possible.  I AM going to play with my kiddos, BUT I'm also going to do the laundry, clean the kitchen, make school lunches and even try to exercise...so here's to me doing what I want to do all week long :).